previous parts

Early in my teenage years, I was obsessed with this problem and my mind would go around and around trying to escape it. If you are rational, I thought, you are committed to rationality by its own rules. But if you are irrational, you have no such obligation. From a neutral standpoint, you can't reason your way into rationality- you can't nullify the irrational perspective. On some level I wanted to prove that rationality was correct. It was frustrating.

A lot of times, dreams paint the landscapes that my mind occupies. These images even from dreams years ago pop into my thoughts as elements that fit, conceptually, with their neighbors. It's a strange level of concept-space to look at the logic of these connections.

newer ideas

Mindfulness. I'm starting to get an idea of what it is. There are times when my normal mindspace gets tangled, usually from outside influence. If a shady-looking man approaches me in the night, my instinct is to forget about being courteous and open. If a beautiful girl passes me on the sidewalk, I become self-promoting. These tangles are like energy sinks. Their presence, even their "memory" or aftereffects, is a burden and a drain. Yet noticing them is exactly what I'm afraid of! What a strange situation. When I pass that girl, I can actually realize what I'm feeling and what I'm doing. This is mindfulness. The only two alternatives are subconsciously damning myself (this is what I usually do, and it leads to loops: I can't think this-wait-I shouldn't have thought that-etc), and actively encouraging my base tendencies (which leads to stagnation). Taking responsibility, being mindful of my state, forces me out of my protective reality-bubble, where things seem to be definable and self-affirming (at least transiently). Is that Emptiness?

What was life like before now?

Before Sunset was a neat movie. I'm downloading Before Sunrise now.

My class gave our practice colloquium talks yesterday afternoon. I'm looking forward to watching the video of myself.

George is a free mountain. Apparel attains aplomb in fighting the Greeks. Peri shower a maid using attractors, stature over a week. Flick! Open jib a thought of fish. Merry merry, program adventure.

doing joy

Sometimes there's something that I think I should do, but I don't naturally have the motivation to do it. I can conjure up a sort of anger that will propel me to act. But there's another kind of motivation that is better.

Love Actually is just a super movie. Especially Emma Thompson, Liam Neeson, and Alan Rickman.

ballsy iterations

I just watched the pilot episode of Dead Like Me, on Tad's recommendation. It was ok. I liked Firefly and Desperate Housewives better. I'm downloading some Buffy The Vampire Slayer now. I still want to see Serenity again. I actually kind of want to see HPIV a third time.

Tyler called and we talked about bathtub fractals and D&D. He's been playing the guitar. I'm going to see if I can get Zach's guitar and start learning how to play.

Some things are scary.

Maybe a person is like a movie in the following sense. A movie's audience sees only the final product. Whereas the movie's creators, watching the movie, see all of the details of its creation: the problems, the work-arounds, the mistakes, the subtle awesomenesses that most viewers miss. Likewise a person sees all of the tangled, recursive, challenging details of his or her own implementation, while others see only the output of these processes.

Chrysanthemums deliberately ease fidgeting

I didn't sleep too well last night. The tail end of this cold turned out to just be a narrowing at the thorax. On the bright side, I got to read Harry Potter while I was being kept awake by sinusoidal infarction. Now I'll go into lab and work on my presentation, because signs indicate that responsibility and work ethic are growing.

I looked at the new video for Oblivion that Zach pointed me to last night. It looks good, especially the forests and the faces, but why can't someone figure out how to prevent "slippery surfaces" in 3D games? It completely kills immersion to see a character's foot gliding along the ground.

I'm excited to work on music with Zach when he comes home next month. And trilobites are amazing.

ok