Early in my teenage years, I was obsessed with this problem and my mind would go around and around trying to escape it. If you are rational, I thought, you are committed to rationality by its own rules. But if you are irrational, you have no such obligation. From a neutral standpoint, you can't reason your way into rationality- you can't nullify the irrational perspective. On some level I wanted to prove that rationality was correct. It was frustrating.
A lot of times, dreams paint the landscapes that my mind occupies. These images even from dreams years ago pop into my thoughts as elements that fit, conceptually, with their neighbors. It's a strange level of concept-space to look at the logic of these connections.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Mindfulness. I'm starting to get an idea of what it is. There are times when my normal mindspace gets tangled, usually from outside influence. If a shady-looking man approaches me in the night, my instinct is to forget about being courteous and open. If a beautiful girl passes me on the sidewalk, I become self-promoting. These tangles are like energy sinks. Their presence, even their "memory" or aftereffects, is a burden and a drain. Yet noticing them is exactly what I'm afraid of! What a strange situation. When I pass that girl, I can actually realize what I'm feeling and what I'm doing. This is mindfulness. The only two alternatives are subconsciously damning myself (this is what I usually do, and it leads to loops: I can't think this-wait-I shouldn't have thought that-etc), and actively encouraging my base tendencies (which leads to stagnation). Taking responsibility, being mindful of my state, forces me out of my protective reality-bubble, where things seem to be definable and self-affirming (at least transiently). Is that Emptiness?